Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 25. Postscript

To add to the misery I feel, it transpires that my suspicions about Sasanuma's feelings for me were correct. I had recovered from my bout of weeping sufficiently to go to my offices and attend to some duties and while I was working through the House finances, he came in to discuss our plans for war. Evidently I was distracted and at some point, he asked me what ailed me. I hesitated before telling him nothing was the matter but I hesitated a moment too long; he pressed me to tell him and I could not control the fresh tears that welled up within me. 
Before I knew what was happening, I found myself in his arms, crying hysterically into his shoulder and I did feel his lips pressed softly to the top of my head as his hand curved around my neck pressing me to him. It must have been a full half a stick that we remained thus and when the weeping stilled, I told him what the midwife had said. 
Yet more tears come as I consider his response which was that while he would prefer it were I not pregnant, he admired me for being unwilling to take the easy way out. Worse still, when I decided that I simply must discuss the situation with Azusa for I cannot continue to stew on this alone, she told me that he had not made his feelings a secret to anyone except me; she also said that he would be good for me and Silent Thunder and that I should consider him.
I have considered him... I do... consider him and yet I cannot ... I cannot bring myself to begin any kind of relationship with any man when still I grieve for Kenta. No... not for Kenta for he was clearly never the man I thought he was... but for the love I thought we had... perhaps I grieve over the betrayal I feel and the insult to my House... it does not really matter. I do still grieve and for now, I cannot see my way past it...