Year of the Boar, Fourth Month, Day 7.
All is lost, I am alone in the world for Lord Kenta will surely come to hate me now... Helpless and faint hearted, I could not defend myself when an assassin broke into my room and made to plunge a sword into my breast.
The child, Tomoe, lies hovering between life and death. After swooning at the willow I remember waking briefly and writing in the pillow book but after that, there was nothing. I welcomed oblivion, I lay as if in stasis, aware of nothing, just a darkness that enfolded me in its velvet grip until I awoke to insistent screaming... As if my eyelids were weighed down with the coins of the dead, I dragged them open, taking precious moments to realise that the screaming was aimed at me. Tomoe knelt at my side, shaking me, screaming at me to wake up and run. And I could not. Leaden limbed I lay gasping shallow breaths of fear as I saw the shadowy harbinger of my doom looming over me, sword in hand, and had Tomoe not leapt up and thrown something at him, I would have sunk into death's waiting arms without so much as a whimper, thankful to find myself in his embrace. But the child had other ideas and she did not let up her screaming and it was as if her voice dragged me from my bed and pulled me towards the door. My limbs were so weak when I tried to move that all I could do was crawl like an invalid and though I tried to add my screams for help to hers, all that came from my throat were pathetic croaks, as if I were a frog in the throes of death.
I heard a thud beside me and I thought my doom was again at hand until I understood that the child wanted me to pick something up as she shrieked. There on the floor lay a knife... and I did pick it up but my hands shook so badly that I could barely hold it steady and as the shadow advanced I thought I would at least lose my life standing and not cowering in a corner. Then suddenly, with a bloodcurdling yell the assassin was stopped in his tracks as Tomoe jumped on his back and he fell... I breathed a shuddering sigh of relief but it was to be short-lived as her screams were cut short and the killer started towards me again. Then just as suddenly, the captain of the guards and his men burst through the paper doors and forced him to the floor and somehow I found myself at the child's side and covered in the blood which had drenched the tatami mats beneath her... thus Lord Kenta did find me, weeping and he opened his arms, and although I was afraid of his anger, I went to him.
His hands strong yet so gentle; he held me as though I were an injured bird, fragile and in need of care. When I tried to return to Tomoe's side, he turned my face away saying I did not need to see, and all the while his captains made their reports he murmured to me and his hands soothed my trembling. I know not how long we knelt there but when he released me at last, it was light and Tomoe was gone but her blood was still on the matting. His lordship refused to let me look and when I became distressed again, he held me in his arms once more and took me to his own chambers and never moving more than one hand out of contact with my body, he washed me and put clean clothes on me. He does not tell me why an assassin should come for me, I am nothing now, merely a slave, killing me would serve no purpose - there could be no gain in it... yet it happened.. and the shame I feel at knowing that a child took a knife meant for me is worse than anything I have suffered in recent months and although Lord Kenta is kind now, if she dies, he will come to resent me, I know he will, and my heart quails at the thought. I know I should beg for death it would be the honourable thing, but I cannot bring myself to do it, how I long to feel his arms around me once more as if we had never parted... I know all is lost and his concern cannot last... even my love for him lacks the strength to stop the course of nature... I must gather my strength and ask his permission to go to the temple and chant sutras for her. His lordship refused me earlier saying I was too weak, but surely he will allow it now...?
The child, Tomoe, lies hovering between life and death. After swooning at the willow I remember waking briefly and writing in the pillow book but after that, there was nothing. I welcomed oblivion, I lay as if in stasis, aware of nothing, just a darkness that enfolded me in its velvet grip until I awoke to insistent screaming... As if my eyelids were weighed down with the coins of the dead, I dragged them open, taking precious moments to realise that the screaming was aimed at me. Tomoe knelt at my side, shaking me, screaming at me to wake up and run. And I could not. Leaden limbed I lay gasping shallow breaths of fear as I saw the shadowy harbinger of my doom looming over me, sword in hand, and had Tomoe not leapt up and thrown something at him, I would have sunk into death's waiting arms without so much as a whimper, thankful to find myself in his embrace. But the child had other ideas and she did not let up her screaming and it was as if her voice dragged me from my bed and pulled me towards the door. My limbs were so weak when I tried to move that all I could do was crawl like an invalid and though I tried to add my screams for help to hers, all that came from my throat were pathetic croaks, as if I were a frog in the throes of death.
I heard a thud beside me and I thought my doom was again at hand until I understood that the child wanted me to pick something up as she shrieked. There on the floor lay a knife... and I did pick it up but my hands shook so badly that I could barely hold it steady and as the shadow advanced I thought I would at least lose my life standing and not cowering in a corner. Then suddenly, with a bloodcurdling yell the assassin was stopped in his tracks as Tomoe jumped on his back and he fell... I breathed a shuddering sigh of relief but it was to be short-lived as her screams were cut short and the killer started towards me again. Then just as suddenly, the captain of the guards and his men burst through the paper doors and forced him to the floor and somehow I found myself at the child's side and covered in the blood which had drenched the tatami mats beneath her... thus Lord Kenta did find me, weeping and he opened his arms, and although I was afraid of his anger, I went to him.
His hands strong yet so gentle; he held me as though I were an injured bird, fragile and in need of care. When I tried to return to Tomoe's side, he turned my face away saying I did not need to see, and all the while his captains made their reports he murmured to me and his hands soothed my trembling. I know not how long we knelt there but when he released me at last, it was light and Tomoe was gone but her blood was still on the matting. His lordship refused to let me look and when I became distressed again, he held me in his arms once more and took me to his own chambers and never moving more than one hand out of contact with my body, he washed me and put clean clothes on me. He does not tell me why an assassin should come for me, I am nothing now, merely a slave, killing me would serve no purpose - there could be no gain in it... yet it happened.. and the shame I feel at knowing that a child took a knife meant for me is worse than anything I have suffered in recent months and although Lord Kenta is kind now, if she dies, he will come to resent me, I know he will, and my heart quails at the thought. I know I should beg for death it would be the honourable thing, but I cannot bring myself to do it, how I long to feel his arms around me once more as if we had never parted... I know all is lost and his concern cannot last... even my love for him lacks the strength to stop the course of nature... I must gather my strength and ask his permission to go to the temple and chant sutras for her. His lordship refused me earlier saying I was too weak, but surely he will allow it now...?
posted by Lady Kaede @ 15:16
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