Year of the Boar, Third Month, Day 11.

It is difficult to sleep, and what little sleep there is, is plagued by nightmares. Nightmares of running through my castle which is empty but burning to a cinder behind me as I try to escape the flames, or of trying to flee a battlefield awash with the blood of my people. These and other such similar images have invaded my dreams for as long as I can remember but never with as much ferocity and clarity as they have of late...
But last night... last night - would that all my dreams were so pleasant - I dreamt of Lord Kenta. That he did come to me in my chamber, that he did come to me in need and desirous of holding me within his embrace. And when he held me, it was with such tenderness - so gentle his touch and in his eyes I could see such affection. And in my dream when he entered me, it was lovingly, even passionately. I clung to him weeping, such was my joy at feeling him move inside me once more as if we were meant to be together and upon his release, he cried out my name and then, Lord Kenta too, did weep. And in that moment, that spilt second, all my pain went away... none of it mattered because he had come back to me...
But before the morning light crept across the sky, he was gone. And then I wept different tears; tears of bitter longing and there was an ache in my heart that would not be soothed.
In the morning when I woke, my face was still wet with tears and my eyelids were swollen. And now, as I lie here on my front, unable to get up, scrawling these words even as patches of red and black dance in front of my eyes and my forehead burns with a fever which threatens to turn into a delirium, my dream forces me to face facts. One fact in particular which pains me greatly but I must acknowledge it if I am to survive. The awful truth is, that I would rather be here, humiliated and in pain with the chance to see a flash of what I once thought he felt for me in his eyes, the chance that he might hold me, consumed by the passion I once thought was there, even for a spilt second, than not be here with him at all. I cannot escape the fact that I am besotted, my passion for Lord Kenta consumes me such that I allow him to treat me worse than... well... I must get well and I must make plans to take back my house, as it is, I shame my mother and my mother's family... I must get ahold of myself and redeem my House...