Year of the Boar, Third Month, Day 3.
I had thought I had no tears left to cry. I had thought I no pain left to feel. I had thought there no humiliation left to experience. How naive I was, nay, am. I had recovered from my illness and was folding my silks, packing them away for I shall not need them in the foreseeable future; I came across some verses I had written with the intention of giving them to Lord Kenta... It was but a few short weeks ago, though it does seem as a lifetime...
Whatever could I have been thinking....? Lord Kenta did come to me in my chamber and tell me that he was forced to punish me for not having been available to serve him these days past. He asked me what punishment I thought suitable for myself and never believing for a moment that he could be so cruel, bitterly I did suggest another switching. As if I never meant anything to him, he bade me sweep the tea set from the table and once I was disrobed, lie across it. Without expression he did go out onto the balcony and cut a bamboo stripling, whereupon he .... I cannot go on... I cannot... my heart has shattered into a hundred thousand tiny pieces and my mind may not be far behind it... When he was finished he did remind me that for every disobedience henceforth, the number of strokes would double... I am in agony already... I dare not move for fear of breaking my skin open again... and if I should displease his Lordship before the week is out, another of his punishments shall surely kill me... I am mortified that upon his final blow my bladder did release itself, a week ago, I could never have imagined such degradation... Coldly Lord Kenta did tell me to guard the bamboo switch well for it is to be his instrument of punishment. He bade me clean myself and attend him in his rooms. I know not how long I lay upon the table unable to move, I can barely stand, I know not how I shall attend him... I cannot go on, death would be preferable to this abasement... I shall think upon my death poem and commit it to paper before I die without one...
"And if his eyes reflect the beauty of the lakes
Shall I drown in them; shall I let them possess me....?"
Whatever could I have been thinking....? Lord Kenta did come to me in my chamber and tell me that he was forced to punish me for not having been available to serve him these days past. He asked me what punishment I thought suitable for myself and never believing for a moment that he could be so cruel, bitterly I did suggest another switching. As if I never meant anything to him, he bade me sweep the tea set from the table and once I was disrobed, lie across it. Without expression he did go out onto the balcony and cut a bamboo stripling, whereupon he .... I cannot go on... I cannot... my heart has shattered into a hundred thousand tiny pieces and my mind may not be far behind it... When he was finished he did remind me that for every disobedience henceforth, the number of strokes would double... I am in agony already... I dare not move for fear of breaking my skin open again... and if I should displease his Lordship before the week is out, another of his punishments shall surely kill me... I am mortified that upon his final blow my bladder did release itself, a week ago, I could never have imagined such degradation... Coldly Lord Kenta did tell me to guard the bamboo switch well for it is to be his instrument of punishment. He bade me clean myself and attend him in his rooms. I know not how long I lay upon the table unable to move, I can barely stand, I know not how I shall attend him... I cannot go on, death would be preferable to this abasement... I shall think upon my death poem and commit it to paper before I die without one...
posted by Lady Kaede @ 14:54
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