Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 8.

 I have been unable to sleep ... I am afraid to close my eyes lest my son should haunt my dreams again... I know it is ridiculous; that I did know him for long enough to feel such grief ... I so wish I could let him rest... I feel as though I am missing something... that there is something I must do before closure will come but I do not know what it is... I have been spending sticks on end in the temple begging the goddess for insight but none comes...

Sasanuma remained with me all night last night; after the evening meal, we remained in the Hall listening to the musicians pick out sparse, spiky tunes which made my heart ache with longing for a life other than this one... a life in which I could have met Sasanuma before I ever laid eyes on Kenta... a life in which I could have given Sasanuma a child and in which we would have been free of the confines of House etiquette and raised our child together... I felt faintly guilty about keeping them from their beds for so long but I could not bear the thought of what my dreams might bring ... finally, when the gong marked the hour of the bat, I could not hold the musicians any more and I sent them to their beds... 

Sasanuma escorted me to my chamber and although I knew I should ask him to leave me at the door, I did not want to part from him and I allowed him to accompany me inside... he cleaned the make up from my face and took the ornaments from my hair so gently, I felt that my soul would melt and I so wanted him to touch me... to hold me so close to him that neither of us could breathe and to make me his but I knew that if he began, I would not be able to fulfil him and I felt hesitant...  I do not know if he sensed it or if he had not had any intention of making love to me but he spent a while pulling a brush through my hair and then he held me. We remained that way until the sun rose... talking quietly for a stick or so but then there was no need to say anything at all and we lay together in companionable silence... once the sun had come up, I ate sparingly and went to the temple... if only the goddess would speak...