Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 6.

 Last night I dreamt of my son... that he lived and that I eschewed House tradition and did not have him fostered... that I held him in my arms and fed him at my breast... he gazed at me implacably as he suckled incessantly, clamping his lips about my nipple and refusing to let go... 

I woke moaning in pain and clutching at my chest, and I begged Azusa to bring him back... for a few precious moments, I quite forgot that he had not lived... I allowed myself to believe that the pain was my body's way of telling me he was hungry... Azusa thought I had taken leave of my senses again and it is possible that I have... I did not want the child while he grew inside me and now he is gone, I would give anything to have him back... I do not understand this... it makes no logical sense but it is how I feel... 

This delegation from the Sixth is due to arrive too soon and I cannot stomach the idea of offering Hospitality now... the thought of having to make small talk with visiting dignitaries I have never met makes me shudder but I have no choice for if I refuse to act as host, then I will have no choice but to say why and the thought of that... is far worse...