Year of the Boar, Ninth Month, Day 16.

Something has changed within me; it is as if I feel nothing. Nothing at all. I believed I felt numb at that time I was enslaved to Lord Kenta and the pain grew so great that it felt white hot and far away... but truly now I understand what it is to be completely devoid of emotion. Something has changed within me and I do not think it is a change for the good. I am indifferent. As if Lord Kenta's death began a process within me that began with a deep-seated desperate ravaging deluge of grief which appeared to go on and on, each small reminder of him prompting a fresh torrent of sobbing, howling and gnashing of teeth; snowballing until the pain of my loss threatened to crush my very heart into a bloody pulp within my breast and I could bear no more.
The preparations for his funeral rites served only to further my pain; Lord Shunya and Lady Yuki -despite having disowned their son- decided that the ceremony should be at White Lake and that his remains should lie next to his brother's. Upon my protestations, they blamed me publicly for his death, calling my character into question and slighting the House of Silent Thunder. Lord Yuuta and Lady Iyo of Golden Harvest who were always good friends to my Mother and Father before the accident- had arrived early, seeking to help me with Hospitality and menus, flowers and the like - stood up and deplored White Lake's behaviour, saying (also very publicly) that I had done nothing wrong except fall in love with a "good-for-nothing, layabout who cared only for fighting and furthering his own ambitions. I could not allow that to pass and thanked them for supporting me and said that in fact, Lord Kenta had been honourable unto the end and that it had been his brother who had been a good-for-nothing layabout. Lady Yuki seemed to soften in her demeanour for the briefest moment and walked towards me, I thought perhaps she wished, finally, to reconcile so I sought not to protect myself as she raised her fan and struck me full in the face with it. My cheek seemed to explode in a red hot dizzying detonation of pain as the heavy mahogany connected with bone - and it was at that precise moment as I fell to the floor clutching my face with blood streaming from my nose, in front of Lord Yuuta and Lady Iyo, Lord Shunya, all of my courtiers and several from White Lake and Golden Harvest, that I ceased to feel anything at all.
Of course, I felt physical pain but I was devoid of emotion, as if I were watching these things happening to someone else about whom I cared nothing at all... The kimono I happened to have been wearing had been my favourite yet I did not even feel the merest hint of regret that I should have to throw it away as the blood could not be removed... nor did I feel anything when the Court physician pressed the bone of my cheek together and told me that the bone would likely not heal properly and that my beauty would be marred (his words, not mine). He seemed surprised my quiet acceptance of that which I cannot change; it was only Lord Kenta was was affected in any great way by my "beauty" in any case...I merely looked at him as he stumbled through a litany of how he had done his best to mend the bone but to no avail and I told him that I did not care about my face. Perhaps I was in shock for a few days, I do not know, I certainly remember nothing of the hours that passed after that conversation, only that later, to add insult to the injury she had done me, Lady Yuki declared that I should not be permitted at White Lake for the funeral. I could not bring myself to care; it meant nothing to me and I remained at Silent Thunder as White Lake left for their lands and took with them the body of Lord Kenta and the other Houses who had convened at Silent Thunder.
I caught sight of Yuika briefly, she had come here as they had had to set off before Lady Yuki and Lord Shunya took it upon themselves to change the arrangements. She was withdrawn, her face pale, tear-stained, thinner than I remembered and her hair lacked the glossy sheen it used to have although her beauty had taken on a fragility that was not there in her youth; she carried herself as if she were afraid of attack. I noticed these things and yet I simply did not care, as if I were a Court scribe recording events yet remaining apart from them. I continue to eat, I continue to converse with the Ladies of the Court and see to business as Azusa directs me, over-seeing the usual disputes between the peasants, deciding on decorations, banners, menus as I used to do, long before I ever became involved with Lord Kenta; as far as the Court is concerned, I am recovered. More than recovered; taking a far greater interest in the running of the House than I have done for a long long while. And yet... behind the facade I am moved by nothing. Not even the child within my belly...