Year of the Boar, Sixth Month, Day 23.

His lordship still refuses to see me, causing me to doubt his survival... perhaps it was all a ruse to make the visitor believe all was well within Silent Thunder... well it backfired in any case since I found myself making him my confidante... My heart lies as a stone within my breast... if only he would just see me; if only to bid me go away, I would sleep at night knowing he lived... I cannot bring myself to grieve for him, I do not wish to believe he is dead... daily, I find myself weeping as I go about the duties he assigned me when last I saw him... daily, I make tea just as he likes it just in case he wishes to drink and daily, I make the bath house ready for him, the water fragranced just as he likes and yet, he appears not... Where is he....? What drives him to hide himself away like this...? What can have happened...? I am forced to ask myself questions to which I may well not like the answer... Could it be, that Lord Kenta, in fact, was desirous of marrying Yuika... that he... loves her...? The thought of that pains me more than I care to admit... all of this I was willing to bear in the belief that he cared for me but was bound by custom and honour... but if it is not so... if he... loves...Yuika and it is her behaviour that has hurt him... I do believe I shall die. And not in a pretty way... I shall plunge a dagger into myself but I shall not disembowel myself... I shall slit my wrists and watch myself bleed, slowly and messily to death... Surely he cannot be in love with her...? But if he is not... I am back to pondering over what ails him...It occurs to me that I am no longer watched over... that no one seems to see me as in need of protection... that Lord Kenta seems to care not what happens to me presently... It has been a long time since I dressed in silk or rode my horse... so long in fact that I know not if I still can, or indeed, whether my horse will recognise me... but... if I were to go to Dying Crane... I could... I could find out for myself... could I not...? If I asked Yuika... if I got on my knees and begged her as a woman, not as a rival to tell me... surely even she, could not be so cruel as to deny me...? I will think on it... it is a long way to Dying Crane... I am sure it would not be advisable to go alone ... I have no ally to abet me... I shall think on it...

Year of the Boar, Sixth Month, Day 16.

The gossip-mongers say that Lord Kenta lives. They say he was so moved by the hysterical screaming of some slave that he realised it would not be at all honourable to leave his House in the hands of any that would come after him; that he must take care of it himself. That only in remaining to rule Silent Thunder firmly yet fairly, would he find true honour. That is what they say... but when I think about the gossip I have heard concerning *myself* which still causes my cheeks to flush with shame, I do not know if it is all to be believed...I must admit that the gossip has given me slight pause to wonder whether everything they say about Dying Crane is also true or not...

They say Lord Kenta lives but that he cloisters himself with the monks. That he seeks to purge his soul of some wrong-doing - this he must do to regain his honour before he resumes his duties as lord of his House. His honour guard refuse to acknowledge me - I have tried weeping and screaming and even resorting to a fully-blown temper tantrum right outside his lordship's quarters, yet still, they remain impassive. I sent his favourite foods and tea to his quarters every day yet they do not allow me to know if he has eaten, secretly returning plates and dishes to the kitchens, empty or full, I know not - indeed they refuse to tell me honestly, whether he truly lives or whether he plunged his katana into his side and left this mortal coil. Two days I knelt outside his chamber, my head pressed to the cool wooden door, alternatively weeping and calling his name until two of them picked me up and forcibly removed me...

A while later, the door slid open and three slaves I did not recognise came in bearing trays of food, rice and fish were put in front of me and soft voices told me firmly that I was to eat... that I would not be allowed to leave my room until I had. So I ate, and bitter tears fell into the bowl salting the rice and I forced the sticky clumps down my throat as if it were painful... not looking at anyone, but asking them in a voice cracked with crying and screaming, to let me see him, alive or dead. And in soft voices, I was refused...the same soft voices told me that there had come a visitor to Silent Thunder, a wanderer. He had come seeking a place to rest with his...pet... I was to bathe, dress and receive him as was customary, offer him hospitality, tea and sweets. I shook my head, I cannot, I told them, it is not for me to offer anyone hospitality now. Lord Kenta has decreed it came the reply and then my heart leapt for I knew without a doubt that he must be alive... I pushed aside the food and made to go immediately to the bath house, but I was forced to finish every last bite and second helpings besides... I demurred, I could not eat anything more, but the voices insisted, you have not taken care of yourself, his lordship is not pleased, you... must... eat...

I bathed and dressed and went as I was asked to the reception room to greet the visitor and offer Silent Thunder's hospitality. I was very nearly dispossessed of all my poise when I encountered him, for he was a man not of our Kingdom. Perhaps from as far away as the First, indeed, even in books I had never seen such a person. I knelt at the tea table and began heating water in preparation for tea and I did ask him with customary politeness how he came to find himself at Silent Thunder... And as I made the tea, such a strange tale he told of being a mage from a far off country, a country further even than the First Kingdom. I could not imagine such a place, a place where men keep horned horses as pets and things called ...dragons.... I offered him tea, the finest of Silent Thunder, criticising it as is customary... but the stranger, Calendon, his name, told me it was a fine tea. I let it pass because I could see that he was not accustomed to our ways, he declined a sweetmeat and then offered a gift of his own. Since he was not of our people, I had not the heart to tell him that he had offended the laws of hospitality and truth to tell, I was a little curious. He waved his hand and there on the table was a round .... thing. It came from nowhere, I was amazed, too amazed to say anything. Calendon told me that it was made from the milk of goats and I confess, I could not imagine such a thing... milk? From goats..? He told me the name of it, it was unfamiliar to my tongue... I think he said... cheez... he assured me that it was quite safe to eat and bade me try it... I was distrustful so he ate a piece first, demonstrating that it was alright... I ate a tiny piece and although it was not horrible, I should not like to eat it again... Calendon was amused, yet he did not mock me but suggested I keep the cheez and acquire a taste for it... he talked a while longer of his people and his life and he asked me about Silent Thunder... had he a special power I do not know, but I found myself telling the good man everything... his ear was sympathetic, he did not judge me, he made no suggestion, he simply listened. When I had no more to tell, he asked for my wrist; reluctantly I proffered it and around it, Calendon snapped a bracelet - I opened my mouth to tell him I could not possibly accept but when it was on my wrist, it disappeared. I gasped in consternation, not able to understand; he told me to touch it and when I did, he spoke to me without moving his lips. He told me that none could ever see the bracelet, that where he comes from, there are items of magic and that if ever I needed help, I was to touch it and speak to him and he would bring his.... dragon to my aid... wide-eyed, I gaped like a carp and he said he had been so moved by my hospitality and wished to offer it in return. He took his leave, asking only that he and the ...dragon be allowed a small corner of the field in which to make camp. I offered a bed in the guest wing, Calendon thanked me kindly but took his leave... I am still baffled, I do not know if the episode was a dream and I am too afraid to touch the bracelet and find out... I must go to Lord Kenta and await his return to courtly life...

Year of the Boar, Sixth Month, Day 12.

My head is reeling, so much has happened of late... since I discovered the reason for his lordship's sojourn outside Silent Thunder I had not been able to talk to him, answering only with sullen, monosyllabic utterances when he spoke to me... I wanted so desperately to scream and cry and beg him not to forge an alliance with Yuika, but my pride would not allow it.. and I know how he detests tears...
I went about the duties he assigned dully, all but growling, sulking like a child, and while I laid out the necessary items for the Tea Ceremony, I happened to over hear more gossip from the other slaves... There is to be no alliance between Silent Thunder and Dying Crane, his lordship intended there to be one, but when he arrived at Dying Crane to formalise his Agreement with Yuika and exchange betrothal gifts, the slaves say that he found her in the arms of another... in a haze of opium, to which she is apparently addicted and in the arms, I should say bed, of another... the slaves did not say who, they speculated that he never loved her, that he saw it only as a business alliance to strengthen his standing within the Kingdom, they say he was disgusted by her lack of honour and told her to make her alliance with the fires of Hell...
No one knows who it was that his lordship found Yuika with, but knowing the recent fashions of Dying Crane and their ally Broken Sakura, I would imagine that either it was her pet, a tiny girl child she keeps dressed up as an adult and whom she trains to ..... please .... her, or someone from White Lake... However, since I do not know - please do not take this as fact...
Lord Kenta did not return for tea at the appointed hour and as I knelt waiting, listening to the other slaves gossiping and speculating, imagining how Yuika and his lordship had been ... pleasing... each other before he found her compromised...I began to feel irritated, my irritation turned to fury when, not knowing my identity of course, the gossip turned to how *I* had been ... pleasing... him before my "death"... my face began to turn slowly more scarlet as the slaves went on and on ... there is talk around the castle, according to them, that I ... offered myself to him by removing all of my clothes and waiting for him in the tea house by the lake... I....I! That I, Kaede Silent Thunder, should ever stoop to the depths of common whoredom...! So incensed did I become at their slander that I stood, my cheeks puce, about to scream at them and put them in their place, when I remembered my own place and instead, ran from the room... gathering my skirts, I pounded down the corridors of the castle, intent on finding his lordship and begging him to put an end to the gossip... as I laboured towards the stables, I heard a commotion arise towards the practice ground... my heart stopped in my throat at my first thought that Lord Kenta had been injured... I began to run again... pushing myself, my heart fit to burst, so long has it been since I took any exercise at all... as I forced myself to keep running and crested the hillock before the ground I saw them... his entire retinue standing as an honour guard, and Lord Kenta knelt under the tree upon white linen and I knew without a doubt what he intended to do... the sun glinted as he picked up the katana and I began to scream... uncaring of my station or any that might listen would find out the truth, I screamed at him to stop... and I carried on screaming... screaming that I loved him, and that I would rather spend the rest of my life as the most miserable of his slaves than spend even an instant without him... I stood on that hillock and screamed until I was literally blue in the face and until I could barely breathe and then the world turned gray and I lie here exhausted and I do not yet know whether Lord Kenta lives and I have not the strength to find out...

Year of the Boar, Fifth Month, Day 22.

His lordship bade me restore his quarters to a clean state and prepare to serve him tea today... and while I worked, I listened to two of the kitchen slaves as they chattered and gossiped... Keeping my own council, I was able to learn a great deal and if my heart were not already shattered, it most certainly would be now... I have discovered the reason for Lord Kenta's absence and his whereabouts... granted it may just be unfounded gossip.... but they do say that there is no smoke without fire... I would shed more tears if I had the energy but I do not...
His Lordship has been at Dying Crane - apparently he has been seeking "alliance" ... he wishes to ally his House with hers... I cannot believe it... he actually seeks to ally Silent Thunder with Dying Crane... DYING CRANE!!! He has been looking to actually wed that harlot, Yuika.... To think that I admired him from afar for so long before I managed to attract his gaze, that I gave myself to none before him in the wish that we be together as soul mates.... as more then soul mates... I should never have hidden the truth... I should never have encouraged him to believe me an experienced lover... I should have made him understand my feelings for him better... perhaps then... perhaps then I would not be in this mess...
If he marries Yuika, I do believe that I will die... She has bedded most of the Men of the Ninth Kingdom and if rumour is to believed, a great many of the Women, too. I myself, refused her advance when I was not long the Ruling Lady of Silent Thunder, she terrified me, but I refused... and she has hated me ever since... She has always sought to further the interests of Dying Crane at any cost lower than all out War. She will RUIN him... Dying Crane is horribly run, Yuika is a spoilt, pampered despot who mistreats her peasants and her staff abominably... I cannot bear the thought, my ancestors must be turning in their graves. Even should I have the strength to end my life, they would not allow me into the world beyond, but leave me to wander as a demented soul, haunting the Kingdom for eternity... I am doomed, whatever I do now matters not...

How can he do this? I believed we were making amends... things had improved... I thought... I thought ... he still... loved me...

Year of the Boar, Fifth Month, Day 20.

So long it has been since I last wrote, that I can barely remember how to hold the brush and form characters... once again my penmanship has become a disgrace to my House. Lord Kenta was long in his absence, and every day I grew weaker, not able to leave my room, the light was poor and I became feeble, I am not sure that my wits have not faded along with my strength. The child Tomoe lay floating between this world and the next for several weeks, and though I could not get to the temple, I did my best to offer my supplications to the Goddess from where I sat.
Eventually Lord Kenta did return and with him an ill humour... he refused to speak, mostly barking orders at me when he had decreed that I no longer needed to be "protected" and upon my enquiry into Tomoe's health, he told me that she had recovered but would not be strong for a long while if ever at all... I wept tears of thanksgiving but his lordship remained unmoved... he would not tell me the reason for his change of heart, nor would he touch me.
He refuses me permission to visit Tomoe and he still has me under "protection" when he does not have me by his side. I had thought things between us were improving, that perhaps a spark of what he used to feel for me was still there... it seems I was wrong... I do not know what the future holds...

Year of the Boar, Fourth Month, Day 9.

I awoke in my rooms, not even realising that I had been slumbering and thought to find Lord Kenta and ask his permission to go and chant sutras for Tomoe or at least sit at her bedside and watch over her while she chooses between this world and the next... Upon sliding open my door still wrapped in my quilts for I was suddenly cold, I discovered four guards each with the tips of their swords resting, crossed, on the floor outside my room, one pair in front of the other. I looked at them in consternation, asking if I were a prisoner again. the guards looked faintly uncomfortable but did not answer me. I asked a second time, my voice a little higher and a third, positively shrill. 'Twas only when tears threatened that one of them did tell me that I am not a prisoner; I am being guarded for my own protection... Lord Kenta takes my safety so seriously that he has promised to have the head of any who would even think to lay so much as a finger upon me... What can he know that I do not, and why will he not talk to me of these matters...? When I let it be known that I wished to go to the temple to offer sutras, the guards informed me that until Lord Kenta is advised of my wishes, I am to go nowhere, I told them not to be ridiculous and made to leave the room, but they brought their swords to rest in front of my face and made it clear to me that should I try to leave without permission they might be forced to hurt me themselves... I asked them to send for Lord Kenta and their reply was so strange that I could not fathom it at all... His lordship has gone. They do not know where and have orders to keep me here for my own protection until he says otherwise. According to them, I am to be nursed, bathed and fed in my room until Lord Kenta has deemed that I am no longer in danger... I find my mind refusing to work of late, and I cannot adequately follow a thought until its conclusion that I might understand what is happening, like a bird I now reside in a cage, gilded it may be, but just as I was starting to feel that I was no longer his slave, his lordship nevertheless puts me back in prison... the thought was too much for me and no sooner had I slid the doors closed than I swooned yet again, hitting the floor in a bundle of cotton and bedding. I cannot stand this physical weakness that assails me and my heart is gripped with dread... Where has Lord Kenta gone...? Whatever shall I do if something morbid befalls him while he is gone...? Somehow I must escape my cage and go to the temple, I shall think on it...