Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 11. Postscript.

 I waited in my offices for several sticks fretting over what news Sasanuma may bring back but I knew I would not sleep if I tried so attending to my paperwork seemed like a sensible distraction... of course it was no distraction at all; my head spun with unwanted thoughts and the mosquitos appear to have decided that I am once again, a food source. I lit several coils of incense in an attempt to repel them but by the time Sasanuma arrived at some time past the hour of the bat, my wrists, ankles and neck were covered in swollen, broken welts where my nails had raked aggravated skin...

When Sasanuma returned, although it was sometime past the hour of the bat, he refused tea and insisted I accompany him to an unoccupied room at the south of the castle... I struggled to match his stride and was all but panting before we had walked half way down the main corridoor but it was not until I tripped on the hem of my silks that he could be persuaded to stop... He apologised then, and scooped me from the floor in his arms as if I weighed less than a feather... he pressed his forehead to mine and said he was sorry for being a brute... I felt my cheeks flush scarlet as that brought images to my mind of one who really had fit that description... I touched his face and smiled gently as I told him firmly that he was none such but that I did wish he would tell me what had him so agitated...

He had narrowed the suspects down to four... he told me... four that he had ascertained had the opportunity and likely motives... he would not tell me who they were; he wanted my first impressions before I had chance to impose my preconceptions on the situation... When we entered the room, I felt my heart stop and it felt as though it filled my throat... Tomoe was among the four as well as Rikku, a manservant who has been with me since he was born... I looked at Sasanuma and shook my head... it could not be so... it could not... my eyes travelled the room and saw two more younger maids, Haru and Kiyoko about whose work I have never had cause to complain... Sasanuma had actually shackled them all... I could not believe it... how could he have done this...? It was all too much... I turned to remonstrate with him about his treatment of my people but as I did... my head spun and I sank to towards the floor only to be caught in Sasanuma's arms. I sensed his anger as he told the four we would return once I was well and then he carried me to my chamber.

When I woke, there was some sort of salve all over the mosquito bites and Sasanuma was at my bedside and my hand was in his... he apologised profusely for upsetting me so... and I could not bear to remain angry with him... we talked a while about his investigation and I was forced to concede that his suspicions are not without merit... He wishes me to accompany him later when he questions them... apparently... he has not yet given any of them even a hint as to why he has had them confined... I do dearly hope it is not Tomoe... I do not think I could bear the betrayal after all we have been through together...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 11.

 It has been an exhausting and disturbing day... Princess Rani arrived this morning and once we had exchanged formal greetings, she offered her condolences on the loss of my child... my bood ran like ice in my veins... she went on to murmur sympathetically about how difficult things must have been and I felt Azusa's fingers flex on my arm and I knew her thoughts were the same as mine... How... has Rani come by the knowledge she has of my son's death...? Her source of information must be extremely close by... I found it incredibly hard to remain serene; I do not know how I have made it through the day...  Every mouthful of tea has stuck in my throat and I have had to force myself to murmur polite platitudes and pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary when things which should have been completely private are apparently known where they should not be...

The hour grows late but I cannot bring myself to attempt sleep until Sasanuma has returned because I must know if he has managed to uncover Rani's source of intelligence... 

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 8.

 I have been unable to sleep ... I am afraid to close my eyes lest my son should haunt my dreams again... I know it is ridiculous; that I did know him for long enough to feel such grief ... I so wish I could let him rest... I feel as though I am missing something... that there is something I must do before closure will come but I do not know what it is... I have been spending sticks on end in the temple begging the goddess for insight but none comes...

Sasanuma remained with me all night last night; after the evening meal, we remained in the Hall listening to the musicians pick out sparse, spiky tunes which made my heart ache with longing for a life other than this one... a life in which I could have met Sasanuma before I ever laid eyes on Kenta... a life in which I could have given Sasanuma a child and in which we would have been free of the confines of House etiquette and raised our child together... I felt faintly guilty about keeping them from their beds for so long but I could not bear the thought of what my dreams might bring ... finally, when the gong marked the hour of the bat, I could not hold the musicians any more and I sent them to their beds... 

Sasanuma escorted me to my chamber and although I knew I should ask him to leave me at the door, I did not want to part from him and I allowed him to accompany me inside... he cleaned the make up from my face and took the ornaments from my hair so gently, I felt that my soul would melt and I so wanted him to touch me... to hold me so close to him that neither of us could breathe and to make me his but I knew that if he began, I would not be able to fulfil him and I felt hesitant...  I do not know if he sensed it or if he had not had any intention of making love to me but he spent a while pulling a brush through my hair and then he held me. We remained that way until the sun rose... talking quietly for a stick or so but then there was no need to say anything at all and we lay together in companionable silence... once the sun had come up, I ate sparingly and went to the temple... if only the goddess would speak...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 6.

 Last night I dreamt of my son... that he lived and that I eschewed House tradition and did not have him fostered... that I held him in my arms and fed him at my breast... he gazed at me implacably as he suckled incessantly, clamping his lips about my nipple and refusing to let go... 

I woke moaning in pain and clutching at my chest, and I begged Azusa to bring him back... for a few precious moments, I quite forgot that he had not lived... I allowed myself to believe that the pain was my body's way of telling me he was hungry... Azusa thought I had taken leave of my senses again and it is possible that I have... I did not want the child while he grew inside me and now he is gone, I would give anything to have him back... I do not understand this... it makes no logical sense but it is how I feel... 

This delegation from the Sixth is due to arrive too soon and I cannot stomach the idea of offering Hospitality now... the thought of having to make small talk with visiting dignitaries I have never met makes me shudder but I have no choice for if I refuse to act as host, then I will have no choice but to say why and the thought of that... is far worse...

Year of the Boar, Twelfth Month, Day 3.

Sasanuma escorted me to the mauseleum this morning. It was exhausting... I cannot say whether I am simply still unwell or whether the grief I feel for my son weighed me down but I felt... I feel... as if my silks are lined with lead. It is difficult to walk or remain standing for long; even sitting tires me... and... I cannot stop weeping... I thought I had finished with tears after Kenta's death but when I least expect it, it is as if a well of the rawest emotion surges from deep within me and I can do nothing to stop it... I could understand it if I shed tears at the mauseleum or the temple when I offer sutras for my boy but at those times, I feel perfectly in control as if I am playing out a script which was written before time itself began... then everything feels right... proper... as it was meant to be... how is it then, that when I pick up my chopsticks to eat or when Azusa or Tomoe do my hair or make up, all of a sudden, I find myself crying hysterically for no reason at all...?
Sasanuma holds me patiently... I feel the flex of his fingers at my waist or on my shoulder and I know he wishes for more but I ... cannot... I wish I could... part of me longs to feel his hands elsewhere... to press myself against him and surrender my soul to his but when I shift against him, ready to acquiesce, what has passed flashes across my mind and I cannot....