Year of the Boar, Eleventh Month, Day 14.

I find myself confined to my bed again. Sitting out in the fresh air served only to bring a chill upon me and I cannot move without feeling as though my head is splitting open... A cough racks my chest with almost every breath and the child has been continually fractious, kicking and writhing as if he wishes to join the world immediately. I have nothing with which to compare this experience of being pregnant; I do not know whether this is normal and perhaps feels worse than it is due to the chill or whether he is anxious and in danger... I cannot bear any more poking or prodding from the midwife and I feel sick at the thought of involving the physician who I am still convinced I cannot trust... I do not think I am dying but I do feel so terribly ill...

I asked Azusa and Tomoe to leave me because I wished so very badly to sleep but now I find that I cannot... I could summon one or both of them but perhaps some time in relative peace is a good idea... I have much to think on in any case... Sasanuma has been to see me again. He avoided the subject of our ... friendship ... and spoke only of my war effort; he says he has found a few good men who have been involved in similar ... work.. before. I did not ask. I do not think I wish to know... Sasanuma believes that they can be trusted to infiltrate White Lake and so... it will begin... I have asked him not to tell me the particulars since I need to be in a position to proclaim ignorance in the event they are caught and Sasanuma has not told them that they will actually be working for me... 

Year of the Boar, Eleventh Month, Day 8.

I have recovered sufficiently well that the midwife agreed that taking some fresh air would do me good. To my embarrassment, she insisted Sasanuma actually carried me outside to sit on the verandah of the tea house in the south garden. The view of the lake is pleasant and although I would prefer to participate in the proper ceremony, taking tea is a solace so I suppose I must overcome my embarrassment and enjoy the time in the sun. Such as it is; the weather grows much colder now and the sun is the palest sliver trying to burn through the haze of low cloud... soon it will be too cold to sit outside without a fire and not long before it is too cold to sit outside at all...

Sasanuma has left me to go and deal with some military matters but I was able to talk with him as we took tea together earlier. I have told him the truth about my feelings. It was a difficult conversation; I had no wish to hurt him but I could not have him believe that I return his feelings with the same ardour... He said that he understood but I heard the catch in his voice... the tightening of his throat and I saw how he pressed his lips together hard just for a split second before he spoke and I know I have done what I wished not to do... I know I have hurt him. 

As I sit here writing, I realise that my cheeks are wet and I do not know why. Could it be that my feelings for him are, in fact, deeper than I believed...? It matters not... I could not involve myself with Sasanuma, with any man, until the child is born and White Lake is forgotten in a swirl of ash consigned to the winds... But I did not like the look of hurt in his eyes... I did not like knowing that I had caused it... and I liked even less knowing that things between us will be awkward in a way they have not been before now...

Year of the Boar, Eleventh Month, Day 5.

Evidently, I have somehow given Sasanuma the impression that we are ... more than we are... until he left a stick or so ago to bathe and take some food, he has not left my side since I was forced to take to my bed. My hand has remained in his and every so often, he brings it to his lips and presses them to my skin. I could stop him. I could simply tell that I want nothing from him... that there can be nothing between us and he would cease... I cannot help but compare him to Kenta and where Kenta would persist, I know deep within my bones that Sasanuma would respect my wishes completely. 
The truth is that I do not want him to stop.  I do not fool myself that I am desperately in love... after Kenta, I am unsure that I could ever love a man again for fear that I should lose my senses entirely but I feel so very alone and the prospect of having a companion to comfort me, to hold me and love me in the way I believed Kenta loved me... the way I wanted Kenta to love me... I ... is it enough to respect a man...? To know that he is good and has only the best of intentions...? I can be reasonably certain that he has no designs on my House for if he did, he could have moved against me long before now... 
I am so tired... tired of the subterfuge, of being unable to voice my intentions and of being confined by this pregnancy... If I could simply crush White Lake between my fingers like an insect and have done with it, I could think on my true feelings about Sasanuma... 
I suppose I must speak with him about this. At the very least, I cannot give the House any more to gossip about than they already have. Anyone would think this is Dying Crane...