Year of the Boar, Eleventh Month, Day 3.

I was awake for much of the night trying to make a decision. Sleep overwhelmed me sometime around dawn just as the House began to wake... As I fought to keep my eyes open and put some sensible thoughts on paper, I heard the sounds of servants scurrying about readying the House for breakfast and for another day. I had no desire to give in to sleep but the weight of the decisions with which I am faced dragged my eyelids closed and I woke some time later to Azusa, Tomoe and the midwife sqwawking as if I were dead. I suppose I cannot blame them. I was sprawled across my desk, one arm outstretched, my hand covered in ink which crawled up my wrist and my silks were gaping at the neck. 
I righted myself as quickly as I could; cheeks flushed with the shame of being found in such an ignominious state and as I was trying to straighten my sash and regain a measure of dignity, I felt a crushing pain deep within my belly. My efforts at poise were thwarted as I sank towards the floor clutching at my stomach, screaming. It took all three of them to escort me to my chamber and for once, I did not object to being put to bed. I felt someone pouring a foul-tasting tea down my throat; a sedative which took effect almost instantly and although I was conscious as the midwife examined me, I have no memory of it. 
When the sedative wore off, I realised that Sasanuma was at my bedside; I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment; I felt exhausted and could not muster the energy to cover myself properly so I avoided his gaze although he tried to tell me that there was no need. I felt that there was every need; I was barely clothed and my pregnancy was obvious. He has hardly left my side and part of me does not want him to although I feel that propriety demands that I ask him to go. 
The midwife does not see an immediate cause for concern but she insists that I remain confined to bed which is extremely frustrating. She thinks the pain was cramping brought on by stress but that labour may begin if it happens again. The thought has me all but paralysed with fear. I cannot go into labour at this early stage; if I do, it will be as the midwife said several days ago. The child will die and I will likely go with him.  I have no heir other than my cousins and they have no experience of running a House. Why would they? They were never in line to the throne of Silent Thunder; I do not even believe that Kiku went to school at all... how can I leave Silent Thunder to someone who has never learnt the basics of finance...? 
Sasanuma insists that I calm myself; he actually took my hand in his a little earlier and pressed it to his lips. I felt my cheeks heat once again with shame but I did not take my hand back and I felt the warmth of his lips move over the palm of my hand and onto my wrist. My cheeks burned as he whispered to me that he should not like it if I came to any harm. I knew I should tell him to stop, tell him that I am not ready for anything more than friendship, tell him that I cannot promise him anything but I said nothing and let him kiss my hand again... I managed to convince everyone to leave me for a while so that I could think in peace and as I write this, I find that peace is not forthcoming. I still have no answers and now I am faced with no choice but bed rest which means I will have to worry about Yuki and Shunya discovering my pregnancy before I am ready to deal with them... and... I am faced with an honest, decent man who would have me as his lover despite the fact that I am to have another man's child and instead of behaving in an appropriate manner, I have let him believe that I return his feelings. I hardly know myself... I do not like who I have become...