Year of the Boar, Tenth Month, Day 17.

The drone of the mosquitoes does little to improve my mood; it has been another trying day and I am still no closer to raising an army than when I first began my quest to destroy White Lake. The child is constantly restless and I cannot imagine however I shall carry it to term when it feels as though it is ready to be born already. I deeply regret not having any sisters; if only I had been able to observe other women closely in their confinement I should have a better idea of what I could expect. I am still reluctant to bring my pregnancy to the attention of the Court physician and I have not yet been able to release Tomoe for long enough to enquire in the villages on my behalf. Paranoia and dread still grip my soul and I fear that if I let her take a horse out alone, I may never see her again.
Sleep eludes me and I spent most of the night in the temple offering gifts of fruit and flowers to the goddess; the soft chanting of the monks did not induce sleep but it did take me to a place inside myself where I was able to contemplate very deeply and at least rest. I believe that at last the goddess has spoken to me and granted me a boon of sorts; it came to me while I meditated, that the child is male. Male so that I will not have raise him myself and see his father in his face every time I look upon him... male so that he will be fostered out until he is of age to be sent to school and male so that he will never be in line to Rule the House of Silent Thunder so that White Lake's spawn will have no place under my roof until he is old enough to wed. I woke from my trance with tears of joy on my cheeks and though I sound callous, far better for the child that he does not grow up within my walls for I could not bear a girl-child and see Kenta every time I looked at her. The goddess has chosen to be kind to me this day and I shall offer her flowers in thanks every day until the child is born.
I returned to my chambers with a lightness in my step that remained until the child too, woke from his trance and began his seemingly endless dance around my womb. My heart grew heavy once again as he kicked and fidgeted within me and heavier yet once Lord Sasanuma arrived to give me his report on the recruitment effort. I have no reason to distrust his analysis of the situation since he has spent years fighting off bandits at the borders and has had the misfortune to go into battle against pirates on behalf of Golden Harvest. His experience is trustworthy and it is not his fault that we have no men to fight for the House. 
We have spoken until both of us are bilious with it. There is absolutely no way I can raise an army in secret and so either I must go against all of my principles and wage a war in the shadows or I must give up on the idea of avenging my House. 
I have much to think on...